The Other Shoe April 30, 2008

Half barefoot,
waiting for the other shoe
to fall.
Never completely confident
in what is
or what should be
or what is apparent.
Conditional love?
Or is it supposed to be
the other way around?
I wonder why I wait for
Gravity to be inevitable.
These eggshells that you have me
Walking on
Hurt my foot.
And I wonder how much more
I am supposed to endure.
Eventually, the other shoe
Will fall
And I will be gone.
~me

I was reading an email from a friend this morning and noticed this as her signature…

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
~Eleanor Roosevelt

I need to remember this.

Running Away from Nowhere April 29, 2008

Yesterday afternoon I was ready to quit all of my jobs. I literally was about to put all of my crap in a box and walk out… the way that you see in movies. I wanted to pack up everything that would fit into the Cruiser and go anywhere, be anywhere but in Raleigh. This would not have been the first time that I would have done this. I guess old habits are hard to shake (i.e. running away from home).

I have been really REALLY hard on myself lately. I don’t want to be, I just am. Nothing in the past few days has made me really happy (okay, the fact that I can now take off my jeans without unbuttoning them is pretty cool). This is not like me. I am trying to attribute this attitude toward exhaustion and a small bout of depression… but I think that there is more going on that I am just not owning up to. I am sure that my therapist is going to have a field day with this when I see her later this week.

I thought that it would be good to just unload every emotion, every feeling that I am having about every situation today… right here. But I don’t think that I would actually get any work done and I think that people would misconstrue my words or twist them into things that I just don’t mean. For some reason, I get this a lot. Maybe my mental filter and my mouth have a disconnection somewhere. Who knows?? I just know that I am in a slump, and I think that I can use a hug… I can definitely use a vacation.

I do not like my state of mind;
I’m bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn’s recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I’m disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I’d be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men….
I’m due to fall in love again.
~Dorothy Parker

I think that because I had to deal (0r not so much deal) with the ex this week, that this has put me in a foul mood. I took advice from a friend to send a text message saying that I didn’t want to deal with him when we were both going to be in a situation where we would have to look at each other at some point during the evening. He replied with a simple “OK”. This is good. We all had our evening. He was always in my peripheral sight, which of course annoyed the crap out of me. But, I made it. I made it through the evening with dignity. I held my head high. I looked cute. I did my job helping my friend. I put up the facade that I had moved on.

He did not look good. He obviously had not been taking care of himself. I know him well enough to know this. So, why am I irritated?? I am owning up to the fact that I am (still) pissed off. I am hurt and crazy angry. I thought that I was past all of this, but I’m not.

TWO YEARS!!!

Two years of hearing that our relationship was moving in a positive direction. Two years of being told that a he could never picture a future without me. Two years of hearing that there has never been a woman as incredible as me. And I believed all of it. I know that I am not the first woman to go through this, and I know that I won’t be the last. I just never pictured myself as someone who would be sucked into this “love conquers all” thing.

Thanks to the wonder of Facebook and MySpace I am finding that almost all of the men that I have dated in the past 10 years are now married, have kids, or both. Even the one that I was confident that nobody on Earth would put up with. What the hell is wrong with me?? I have become this jealous, annoyed person that I just can’t stand. I think that she was always in me… but she was hiding for a while. I don’t want to see your happy relationship. I don’t want to come to your wedding. I don’t want to wish you well and congratulate you. I am just feeling so hateful lately. I really don’t like being this way.

I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me…

I think that God wants me to be single forever.

This Blog Is Sponsored By The Letter "O" April 28, 2008

I got about 11 1/2 hours of sleep on Saturday night… and in response to that my body/brain decided that I didn’t need more than about 1 1/2 hours last night. Yay me!! So, I decided that while I was up at 2am that I would blog. However, the computer that my roommate set up for me to use decided that the letter “O” and the number “7″ were not going to work, at all. I thought it would be funny to write an entire blog without the letter “O”. Except, I couldn’t sign into anything without the letter “O” or the number “7″. Bummer.

I have this friend at my part time job that I talk to about completely asinine, and sometimes deep, things. She likes to ask me questions like “If I had a superpower, what would it be??” or “What kind of tree am I??” Naturally, I would fly and be a weeping willow. Whereas, her superpower would be that she would be able to transfer her pee to others so that she would never have to pee again or hold it for extraordinarily long periods of time so that it wouldn’t inconvenience her to stop at the bathroom while she is busy. She is pretty smart.

During one of these discussions we started comparing ourselves to others around us (yes, we know that this was not a bright thing to do). We both realized that we are watching those closest to us follow their dreams and wonder what the hell we have been doing with ourselves. This is more traumatic to me, since I have about 10 years on this girl.

So, I have these amazing friends who are all following their dreams… and seem to have always had their heads on straight or known what direction they have wanted to go in. I think that this is amazing and am completely in awe of these folks. One friend is, basically, a genius who globe trots doing a job that she loves. One friend knows that she is meant to serve God, and is working toward her goal of serving in ministry. One friend is so talented that it’s intimidating and knows that music is in her future. One friend is the most amazing mom and wife, and I don’t know how she has her sanity at the end of each day. One friend has become a priest, and knew from the age of 16 that this is what he was meant to do. I wonder how it is that when I am surrounded by people who are so goal oriented that I have somehow lost myself. So, I tend to propel myself into all of their lives, hoping to grasp the concept of direction from them.

I seriously don’t understand how someone can go to college at age 18, and pick something to do for the rest of their lives. They haven’t even done anything yet!! They haven’t lived. They haven’t been fired or had a job that they hated so much that they daydreamed of walking out on a meeting and never turning back. They haven’t had to deal with office politics, pay raises, or 401K.

I understand the concept of “passion”, how one can take the passion that they have for books or music or other cultures and direct themselves that way. But I don’t understand how one can say for sure “yes, at the age of 19 or 20, I have decided that I want to be a professor of literature” or “I think that I am going to be a brain surgeon”. Is society’s expectations of us so different for this Generation Y (or whatever they are called) so different from the expectations that they had put on us Gen-Xers? Was it all of the grunge music and Starbucks that ruined us??

I just wanted to give props to all of you who know what the hell you are doing. I am in constant awe of you everyday. Even now, when I am pretty sure that I know what I want to do and where I want to go, I hesitate. I am waiting for God to give me that push in the right direction. I keep waiting to “hear” what He is saying to me.

We passed upon the stair
We spoke of was and when
Although I wasn’t there
He said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise
I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone
A long long time ago

Oh no, not me
We never lost control
You’re face to face
With The Man Who Sold The World

I laughed and shook his hand
And made my way back home
I searched for form and land
For years and years I roamed
I gazed a gazeless stare
At all the millions here
I must have died alone
A long, long time ago

Who knows?
Not me
We never lost control
You’re face to face
With the Man who Sold the World
~Nirvana

FYI… I managed to use the letter “O” 255 times in this blog. So doing it without it would have really sucked…. make that 266!!!

Mumbai vs. Hell April 24, 2008

I have been doing my homework on what Oasis India and OasisUK do. How they help the world at large. I am completely enthralled with this organization. It seems that I may have some traveling, and purpose, in my future endeavors. EXCITING!!! Check them out: http://www.oasisindia.org/ and http://www.oasisuk.org/

I decided to head down to Barnes & Nobles the other day to do some light reading about India, particularly Mumbai. It turns out that the year round temperature of Mumbai is equivalent to the year round temperature of Hell, but with 10,000% more humidity. I hate heat. I think that even more than I hate heat, I despise humidity to a degree that is almost ridiculous. Humidity is not my friend. The thought of living in year round heat and humidity is absolutely ridiculous to me. But, I still want to go. What’s up with that?? Have I mentioned that I hate humidity??

I got to have a nice long talk with Michelle (missionary who lives in India) yesterday. I told her about my fears of giving up this life that I have become so comfortable in. She understood everything that I had said to her. I just love this chick. I talked to her about her position at the Life Center and about living in India. She lives in a village about 2 1/2 hours away from Mumbai. So, apparently the humidity isn’t as bad because she is more in the mountains. (Oh, the glimmer of hope is shining through)

I have been doing a lot of praying about what I would like to do with my life. I am 34 years old, and I feel as if I have not lived a life of purpose at all. I am kind of just going through the motions of living. I am thrusting my efforts, passion, energy, and love into the lives of others around me. I get something out of this, but they won’t need/want me around forever.

It would be so easy for me to go to India and work with kids. For some reason children have always been drawn to me. Perhaps, because I am like a big kid myself. Or the fact that I don’t talk down to them, I just treat them like really short grown-ups. I don’t know why, but doing something easy is not appealing to me at all. I want a challenge. I want to have to earn the trust and love of others. I want to know that I am making a difference. I can always fall back on the kid thing. There will always be kids somewhere needing something.

Delving deeper into what I am considering a challenge, I have been doing a lot of research on the Anti-Trafficing Movement in various countries. Ironically, the Oasis India project doesn’t have positions posted on their website, that I have been able to pin-point. While talking to Michelle, I realized that there is a huge need for “rehabbing” women… giving them a leg-up into a society that has kept them down. I love this idea. I am passionate about this idea.

Doing the prayer thing like I didn’t even know I could.

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
~Alanis Morrisette

Being Vegan-ish April 22, 2008

I bought four cantaloupes the other day. They were on sale. I also bought an avocado, three pints of strawberries, two of the biggest cucumbers I have ever seen, and enough mushrooms, spinach and asparagus to feed a small city.

I made dinner the other night. I steamed mushrooms, whole garlic cloves, and asparagus. Then I got a spinach flavored tortilla and loaded it with fresh spinach, sliced yellow peppers and this yummy ginger sesame dressing I found. Once the veggies were cooked, I loaded everything onto the tortilla and made this enormously large veggie taco concoction. It was seriously the best thing that I had eaten in a really long time. I was in awe of my own genius. I called lil’ EB and told her what I had made, and she was equally as excited as I was, and she wasn’t even there. We are making it later this week… I love having someone to share this love of fresh food with.

This morning while I was preparing breakfast and lunch to bring to work, I was cutting one of my cantaloupes. The juice was running all over my hands and arms, and I was just licking it off of everything. It was so yummy. I packed my little juice box thingy of chocolate soy milk, put my cantaloupe and strawberries in a bag and worked on this huge salad that I am going to eat for lunch today. Spinach, red leaf lettuce, red and yellow peppers and seedless cucumber. YUM!!!While I would never claim to be a morning person, I realized this morning that the twenty to thirty minutes it takes me to prepare food for my day has become the best part of my day. I love standing in the kitchen with fruit everywhere, picking through the good berries and chopping peppers.

I have to say that I am kind of liking this vegan thing… and am realizing that its kind of unfair to call this dietary lifestyle a “sacrifice”. I think that its easy to forget that God has made all of these wonderful fruits and vegetables for us to eat, to nourish our bodies, when all we are eating is meat and fat and cheese. Don’t get me wrong, I love cheese. I miss cheese. Cheese has been the hardest thing for me to give up next to coffee creamer (it was just easier to give up coffee). But seriously, when was the last time you had a really amazing tomato and was just amazed that God made this tomato and that it was the best tomato on the planet? Or had a pear, and was like “wow, that is an amazing pear… thanks God.” (idea from lil’EB)

I really want to encourage folks to try this dietary lifestyle for at least two weeks. Yes, TWO WEEKS!! I know that its a long time to go without a hamburger or chicken. But if I can make it through my period without a big ol’ bacon cheeseburger, than you can too. The first week, is okay. You kind of feel rundown, a little on the sluggish side. But you are eating such great stuff. The second week, you feel amazing. I have more energy. I am sleeping better at night. I am less grumpy in the morning. Who would have thought that putting only healthy fruits, veggies and grains into your body would make you feel good?? Lil’ EB and I will be there to cheer you on and to eat whatever you are making that is going to be super yummy.

Hey God, thanks for that great cantaloupe this morning. It took me over an hour to eat, and I savored every delicious bite. It was awesome. I will look forward to cutting up another one for breakfast tomorrow.

Oasis April 21, 2008

Okay, I should really consider doing actual work while I am at work sometime.

I decided to do some research today, on OasisUK, the organization that Divya (from Oasis India) referred me to. WOW!!! I am seeing potential for myself here. What a concept!! The positions are listed by country. I have found 4 countries, so far, with Anti-Trafficing Research positions available. Has anyone ever been to Brazil??

I am kind of freaking out here a little bit. There are so many opportunities available, and I had absolutely no idea. Some of these positions are looking for coverage as soon as September of this year!! Holy crap.

Wow… is that a light at the end of the Lincoln Tunnel??

Going… Going… Gone. April 20, 2008

I have been spending the past few months trying to figure out exactly what God has in store for me. I think that I may be being lead to live a life of sacrifice. I realize that I am kind of pushing the issue… almost forcing myself into these thoughts and actions, but for some reason the need to drive forward is overwhelming. I have been stuck in one place for so long, that I have become comfortable. Almost disgustingly so.

sac·ri·fice
1. the offering of animal, plant, or human life or of some material possession to a deity, as in propitiation or homage.
2. the person, animal, or thing so offered.
3. surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.
4. the thing so surrendered or devoted.
5. a loss incurred in selling something below its value.
6. to make a sacrifice or offering of.
7. to surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else.

Lately, I have been trying to decide if a life of sacrifice is something that I can handle physically, mentally and emotionally… as well as spiritually. So far, so good.

I have been trying to incorporate sacrifice into my daily life… of course, it is sacrifice as I see fit. I still have a roof over my head and a car to drive to work. I still use conditioner in my hair and deodorant. I am not a complete nut.

This is my list of sacrifices, thus far:

1. I had given up swearing. Okay, I didn’t give up ALL swearing… just the extremely offensive words that I was completely overusing. In order to do this, I forced myself to give one dollar to whoever was standing in front of me when I said the word. To date, I have given away $16… I believe that about $10 or $11 has gone to lil’ EB. This was one of my personal goals. I consider this a successfully completed goal, as I have found myself only using these words under extreme duress.

2. For one week I would give something away everyday. I started the week by having a close friend come over and help me purge unnecessary stuff from my bedroom. I got rid of a lot of clothing, and SHOES, that I had not worn in a long time. I was completely okay with this until I got to the shoes and Bob (a spine that I won in a raffle and became emotionally attached to–long story). Everyday for the past week, I gave something to someone. One day it was a really nice pair of flip flops. Another day it was lunch for someone who had forgotten theirs. I left a co-worker chocolate on another day. I had to force myself to think of this everyday. I found it completely satisfying and actually had some fun doing this.

3. I am attempting to adopt a vegan lifestyle. Thanks to the coaching of lil’ EB, this has been the easiest thing. I love getting up in the morning and making myself take the time to eat fresh fruit. I love taking those few minutes before I leave for work to make my salad just the way that I want it. I love shopping for produce. I am a little worried about getting bored with what I am eating. So far, I have dedicated myself to this for six months. Thus far, I am not missing the meat… but I’m kind of hurting for some cheese. Who knew that cheese could hold such an influence over someone??

I worry about being a failure. Maybe that is why I have put off trying to succeed. Perhaps sacrificing these things will eliminate potential failure… perhaps not. But if there is less to lose, then there is more to gain. Right??

Is this why I have concentrated so hard on the success of others? I think that society has put “expectations” onto us, where we have to get married and have 2.2 kids and a dog. We have to worry about play dates and PTA meetings.

I have gotten to the point that I feel disgusted with myself. I hate this place that I have put myself in. This limbo of… being average. My covenant partner once asked me what my biggest fear is. First instinct is spiders and clowns. But, deeper down…. in the core that is all Kerry, I completely fear having accomplished absolutely nothing. I fear living a life with no meaning. I am afraid of having no impact on the world what-so-ever.

Yes, friends… I realize that this is an asinine thing to worry about. I know that some of you think that I have had an impact on your lives. Thanks for saying so, I like hearing it.

You got a fast car/I want a ticket to anywhere/Maybe we make a deal/Maybe together we can get somewhere/Anyplace is better/Starting from zero got nothing to lose/Maybe we’ll make something/But me myself I got nothing to prove/You got a fast car/But is it fast enough so we can fly away/We gotta make a decision/We leave tonight or live and die this way/I remember we were driving driving in your car/The speed so fast/I felt like I was drunk/City lights lay out before us/And your arm felt nice wrapped ’round my shoulder/And I had a feeling that I belonged/And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone ~Tracy Chapman

Today Is Going To Be A Good Day April 17, 2008

I woke up this morning thinking that today is going to be a good day. I went to the grocery store to get some fruit and a very large man, probably in his late 40’s, was sitting with the driver’s side door open to his minivan with the radio really loud. He was singing some Whitney Houston duet/ballad thing, and thoroughly enjoying himself. He’s going to have a good day.

I was leaving lil’ EBs house last night, with a particular song in my head. So, I got in my car and put on some Missy Higgins to try to get this song out of my head. This worked… for about 15 minutes, until I got home. I walked the dog, and sang the song. I brushed my teeth, and sang the song. I talked to my roomie, and sang the song. I went to bed and prayed, and learned that if God didn’t already know all of the lyrics to “Does This Ring A Bell?”, that He does now. Instead of praying, I found myself singing in my head.

Does this ring a bell?
Ring-a-ling a bell?
Does it hurt, love?
Hurt like hell?
Does the sweat from my brow
Drip drip
Bring about anything that will make this better?

To premise this, lil’ EB and I were doing some research to see where we can get her some gigs. I was super excited about this. I love doing this. I love knowing that when lil’ EB becomes a huge success that I was there at the beginning, lovingly badgering the crap out of her to get her recording done and helping talk to potential studio guys. YAY!!! I have had more fun, and been more exhausted, in the past two weeks than I have had in the past two years. Love you girl, you rock!!

Oh… checking off one of my goals today.

This morning I received an email from a woman named Divya, with Oasis India. She asked what my interests were in getting involved with the organization, and then suggested that I contact the folks at OasisUK. Oasis has organizations all over the world that do humanitarian efforts. So, this is my next move. I finally feel like I am getting something done for myself. Thanks for the push, ladies!!

She Shoots…. She Scores?? April 16, 2008

I’m great in a crisis… okay, not any crisis that affects me. But I am fantastic when other’s are experiencing despair. I have a tendency to take charge, and plunge forward to try to find that end result that will calm and satisfy everyone involved.

I also love helping others achieve their goals. Lately, I have been badgering (lovingly) someone very close to me to get to her personal/professional goal. I think that I am starting to bug the crap out of her, but she is too sweet to tell me. We are spending a lot of time together… we are finishing each other’s sentences and picking up each other’s mannerisms. I am having a field day with this “project”. Plus, she is super fun to hang out with and I have truly been enjoying myself and I am good at this stuff. I can’t remember the last time that I had this much fun… but, I have been using this experience to avoid my own stuff.

Yesterday, I got called on the avoidance that I thought that I was becoming so good at. I have been challenged to make my own list of goals. I have never made a list of goals for anything in my life. So, I am a little intimidated by this.

Let me first premise this by saying that I have never successfully “finished” anything in my life. I know that this must be shocking (I am totally being sarcastic here), but yes… I am a non-finisher. When I “clean” my apartment, I merely make piles of things and never actually put them away, hoping that it looks presentable when people come over. I have been enrolled in 4 colleges… FOUR!!!! I have no degree from any of these schools.

I take on projects because there is always an end to them. The goal is always achieved, and I can take some satisfaction from knowing that I had a part in this… Hence, my involvement with the badgering (lovingly) of my friend toward her goal. I would love nothing more than to see her succeed. This would be plenty for me to feel content, knowing that I had a part in her success and happiness.

So, then I have my stuff…. yeah. It’s out there, just waiting for me to get to it. In limbo. There it is. I am trying to best describe this to you…

Okay…It’s like the Lincoln Tunnel in New York. The Lincoln Tunnel is 8,216 feet long and connects Manhattan’s West 38th Street to Weehawken, New Jersey and was constructed under the Hudson River. So, you enter the tunnel in Manhattan, its big and dark, and you know that you are going to be going under several thousand tons of water. This is not fun for clausterphobes at all. So, you are driving and driving, and you can’t see the end of the tunnel, because it’s on the other side of a really gross, dirty river. But, you know that the end is there, because how else are you going to get to New Jersey without getting onto I-95?? (This really does make sense if you are from, or have ever been to, the north, because taking 95 in New York is a massive pain in the butt.) So, you know that the end of the tunnel is coming, but it’s super dark in there and you are completely surrounded by aggressive drivers, all wanting to go to New Jersey, for some reason. Here’s the thing. If there is an accident in the tunnel, you are stuck there, under a tons of water and concrete. Feeling trapped. I have experienced this, and it sucks. All that is around you is aggressive New York drivers, attitude, confusion, darkness illuminated by headlights and an occasional street light, and the unknown of when you may be able to get out of the stupid tunnel.
So, they clean up the accident and the traffic clears up some, but you are only half-way through the tunnel. You still have about 4,000 feet of tunnel to go. You keep waiting for the light of day, knowing that you should have your sunglasses ready at any moment. Then, there is another delay. Aww, crap. I am still in the tunnel. This is how I feel about making goals. I know that I have to get to the other side of the tunnel, but I have to accept that I am going to be sitting in traffic, under hundreds of thousands of tons of water and concrete. Basically, if I get stuck, I am screwed.

Yes, my friends… I realize that this is fear.

So, I have been praying to ask God to help me find my light at the end of the Lincoln Tunnel. I don’t want to be stuck in traffic forever. So, I have decided to blog my goals.

1) Contact my sister’s friend, who works with an international/humanitarian organization
~~check, I emailed her last night
2) Research the best way to get involved with IJM, Heart of God, Oasis India or other international missions.
3) Try to open a line of discussion with these folks to find out what their perspective on embracing the religious beliefs of other cultures vs. preaching Jesus…. is this done??
4) Save some cash to visit Michelle in Mumbai, possibly this winter or next spring.
5) Prayer for clarity, strength, love, hope, support of those around me.

Thanks for the push, little EB. Will be asking big EB to help too.

Curb Appeal April 14, 2008

My dog, Chloe, does this thing that annoys the crap out of me. We will go for walks in the morning around the apartment community, and she refuses to walk in the grass because she doesn’t want to get her feet wet. Instead, she walks on the curb, only giving in when she absolutely has to. She can get away with this, because she is tiny (7lbs.), I humor her, and because she is a brat.

I realized the other morning, during our walk, that I have been doing the exact same thing. Yes, God… I have been standing on the curb, afraid to get my feet wet… Completely freaked out by what You may have in store for me. Resisting acceptance of Jesus. Afraid to hear what You want me to hear or to do what you want me to do. I have been dipping my toes into the water for so long, that I have forgotten (or basically put off accepting) that an actual plunge is imminent. I am standing on the edge.

I have been trying to wrap my “black and white” brain around my spiritual growth for so long, that I neglected to realize that I already had God in my heart. I have never understood how people claim to “hear” what God is telling them. Then I had this epiphony… I have given in. I have accepted Him. The shades of gray that my brain won’t allow have been in my heart for so long, I can almost taste them.

Alright, God. What do you want from me??

I am colorblind

Coffee black and egg white

Pull me out from inside

I am ready

I am taffy stuck and tongue tied

Stutter shook and uptight

Pull me out from insideI

am ready

I am fine

I am covered in skin

No one gets to come in

Pull me out from inside

I am folded and unfolded and unfolding

I am colorblind

Coffee black and egg white

Pull me out from inside

I am ready

I am fine

~Counting Crows

I have begun a new project, with the support of some great friends. Thanks for the support ladies. I don’t know if you will ever truly know how much I love you!!!

I will keep everyone updated on this… If it goes the way that I am hoping, it will be fabulous.