Hey, Jealousy… June 30, 2008

Yesterday, reality set in. Life goes on.

I wasn’t expecting to see my ex at church yesterday with a date. It really freaked me out. At first I found it humorous. Then jealousy set in. He was dancing to the music. In the year an a half that he had come to church with me, he hadn’t ever done that. He was smiling up a storm. She apparently was very touchy with him. All of this made me uncomfortable. It hurt me. I felt like I was going through the ’stages of mourning’ all over again.

For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.

~2 Corinthians 12:20

I found the whole thing tacky (as I heard from at least 4 people), and I feel that he was making a spectacle out of himself. I’m sure that she is very nice. I have nothing against her. I found that I was comparing myself to her. She is thinner than me, with bigger boobs. She was fairly attractive, but had big hair. What does this woman have, personality wise, that I didn’t have?? Because, seriously… I am a friggin’ awesome person!! I felt like I was at a family reunion, and my ex-husband showed up with a date. The whole thing made me sick to my stomach. I actually cried last night over this crap.

I feel like my space was invaded… and my face was being rubbed in it. I hate feeling like this. It’s not that I want to have a relationship with him, under any circumstances. He was hateful to me during the breakup. I want him to be happy. I just don’t necessarily want to see it. I thought that my life would be with him… and it’s not… and I am okay with this. It just never occurred to me that he would actually move on. I know that this is an incredibly selfish thought.

And I won’t be far from where you are if ever you should call

You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all

But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you

This is what I have to do

‘Cos I don’t know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don’t know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

‘Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

~Missy Higgins

In Search of Humanity June 29, 2008

One of the reasons that I am so adamant about moving out of the country to do my Social Justice Mission is that I want to be a part of something really special. Today, I was exposed to a type of humanity that I had taken for granted. I thank God for this experience.

I think that my eyes were opened today for the first time in a really long time. After an amazing message today, another woman at church and I collected the rest of the uneaten food and loaded up my Cruiser. LS and I headed down to the local men’s shelter to hand out food and soda. When we got to the shelter, another Evergreen family was there to hand out bottled water. We ended up tag-teaming the project, and made a huge afternoon out of seeking out the homeless and leaving food and water for them with LS as our guide.

To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. ~1 Corinthians 4:11

At one point in the afternoon, four of us went trekking through the woods. The four of us were walking through the woods yelling “food and water”, in hopes of finding recipients for our gifts. While walking on the path, which was littered with trash, clothing left behind by previous tenants, and old blankets. A few hundred feet into the woods, we came upon an orange tent. LS yelled, “Chris??”. A stoic “yeah??”, came from the tent. A large man unzipped the tent. We left him water and food. It didn’t feel like enough. LS got on her knees and started talking in a low-toned voice. Chris started to cry, grabbed LS’s hand and kissed it. She leaned into the tent and hugged him. “Thank you. Thank you.” I was moved to tears by what was happening, though I hadn’t heard the conversation that had taken place.

We got into the car and headed for our next destination, just down the road. I was met with an aggressive woman who literally told me to “F*@& Off!!” But past her, a man met us on the bridge to a path. LS approached him and asked him to find any others who may be hiding in the woods. We left a few plates of food and about a dozen bottles of water and asked that he distribute them. We were basically advised to not go into the woods.

Our final destination was downtown Raleigh. We found ourselves in front of the bus station. There were about a dozen people hanging out. A woman named Dana thanked me for the fruit. She said, “cantaloupe is so refreshing on a hot day.” She then said, “a lot of people look at me and wonder why I’m homeless. But I’ve only been this way for a week or two.” I told her that I had had a similar experience, by living in my car when I was in Iowa for a few weeks. I told her that I would pray for her and her boyfriend. She thanked me again for the water and fruit. She was so grateful for our visit.

On the way to drop LS off at home, she told me Chris’ story. She met Chris a while back, who helped her do some work on her house. It turns out that Chris is schizophrenic and is susceptible to extreme mood swings without his medication. He was abandoned as a child to a family member who was extremely abusive. LS has maintained a friendship with this man. She bought him the orange tent that he is currently living in. She makes sure that he is able to access medication for his mental illness. More recently, LS was able to contact Chris’ sister in Oklahoma. She agreed to take him in. This news was delivered during our trip to the woods. The main challenge now is raising money for a bus ticket to get him to his family.

I couldn’t thank LS enough for sharing this experience with me today. I felt so selfish today. I was tired and hot. I was grumpy from another experience earlier today. I think that I am going to try to do this at least once a month. I learned that the shelter doesn’t allow the men to stay indoors during the day, only in extreme heat and weather conditions.

Social Justice Missionary June 27, 2008

Lately, I have been feeling like an upside down turtle. I can see the whole world from where I am laying, but it’s all distorted. I have to struggle to get everything right-side-up again. I feel like I am starting to get a grasp on things again. This is a good thing.

I have been trying to come up with some kind of title for the work that I am doing. Missionary doesn’t seem right, as I don’t plan on doing any kind of VBS or solely spiritual work while in India. Social Justice Activist is more the truth, but I am going over there for faith reasons also. LankEB came up with “Social Justice Missionary”. I love this. It says exactly what I am planning on doing while overseas. In a sense, I still consider myself to be a missionary in that I believe that I am on a mission from God (all hail the Blues Brothers reference). It’s true. God has lead me on this path for months, maybe even years. I am so proud of the work that I am going to be doing.

I have started the application process for OasisUK, and LankEB and I have come up with some fundraising ideas. This really took a load off of my mind. I am seemingly coming out of the funk that I had put myself into over the money thing. I am feeling good right now about this. I have been praying a lot, asking God for guidance with the money thing. I am hoping to eventually get the support of Evergreen, not solely monetarily… but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well.

Cool things that happened yesterday. When walking Chloe, at around 6:15 or so, we found a box-turtle in the grass in front of our building. I love turtles. I am convinced that if I am ever reincarnated that I will be a turtle in my next life. Our company had the “company picnic” yesterday. Basically, that involves free lunch, during your assigned lunch hour. No extra time. But it was also casual day, so I got to wear shorts to work. Doesn’t sound like much, but it’s the little things that make me happy. When I got home from work last night, I had a Facebook message from my friend John. John and I were good friends growing up in Connecticut. I moved to Raleigh in ‘96. In the spring of 2000 (I believe, or maybe it was ‘99, I’m pretty sure it was 2000), John was in a terrible car accident. He was in a coma for months. I drove up north to visit him in the hospital. The last time I saw John, was when he was in the coma, and the last time I talked to John was three months after he came out of his coma. Apparently, John has no recollection of this happening at all. I have spent the past several months trying to figure out a way to get in touch with him. Then he found me. I was so excited. I hope to have some kind of reunion with him before I leave the country next year.

Am I A Christian? June 25, 2008

But be sure to fear the LORD and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you. ~1 Samuel 12:24

Okay, I admit it. I am struggling with the whole “Christianity” thing. I don’t know what I am. I mean, I don’t know the ‘title’ of what I am. I may need some guidance on this. I have been fighting the title of ‘Christian’ for a long time. I really hate the negative connotations that go with the title.

So, what is my challenge?? Here it is: Am I A Christian??
This is what it’s all about… isn’t it?? The answer to this question.

A Christian is a person who adheres to Christianity, a monotheistic[1] religion centered on the life and teachings of Jesus Christ as presented in the New Testament[2] and interpreted by Christians to have been prophesied in the Hebrew Bible/Old Testament[3].

Someone asked recently asked me if I was a Christian, and I didn’t really know how to answer. My standard answer used to fall under the ‘No, I haven’t been baptized’ realm. This would open up a can of worms (I mean discussion), which would always leave me wondering how it is that everyone was so sure about their faith.

One of the questions on the application for OasisUK is “When did you become a Christian?” I have been avoiding this question like the plague. I don’t know if I am a Christian. One of the reasons that I love Evergreen so much is that I went in there as an agnostic and was allowed to grow and explore the path that I have been on for the past 3 or so years. This has not been an easy path. There have been rocks, and sticks, and boulders falling from the sky. Birds have swooped down and tried to eat my hair. Okay, not really… but I am hoping that you are following me here. I have been asked three times over the past three years if I want to be baptized. I have not yet been baptized. I wanted to be sure that I was on the right path before I made this decision. I wanted to make sure that God and I were on the same page.

“Emergent” is a loosely knit group of people in conversation about and trying experiments in forwarding the ministry of Jesus in new and different ways, as the people of God in a post-Christian context. From there, wide diversity abounds. “Emergents” seem to share one common trait: disillusionment with the organized, institutional church as it has existed through the 20th century (whether fundamentalist, liberal, megachurch, or tall-steeple liturgical). Its strengths: creative, energetic, youthful, authentic, highly relational. Its weaknesses: somewhat cynical, disorganized, sometimes reckless (even in the theological ideas willing to be entertained), immature[1]

I have been having a debate with myself over what it means to be an ‘Emerging Christian’. I believe that I fall under this category. I am comfortable in my relationship with God. I am aware that it is constantly growing. I know that Jesus was this amazing man. I know that the teachings of Jesus brought people to God. I know all of these things. So, I constantly wonder where all of this knowledge leaves me. I wonder if delayed acquisition of this knowledge is the cause of some of my downfalls in life. Was I being punished? Truthfully, it doesn’t matter anymore. I can’t change the past. I can only live for today. I can plan for tomorrow. But I can’t change what I screwed up yesterday. I am okay with this.

I look to the skies and ask am i getting it right am i getting it done–

did i learn to walk or stay on the run–

is life that fast-that i forget to rest-

or does it mean that much to know i’ m the best-

i look to the skies and shout out loud am i who i am or am i just to damn proud-

i look for a single flower or a simple sign-

what is yours and what is mine–

when it has all been said and done do i really think i am the one—

will it all be for a not —

or did i ever see and now forgot-

i look to the skies and ask–

give me a sign or show me a task-

is my life for the cup- or is it a flask-

i look to the skies and say is my life forever or just another day-

i look to the skies and say-

i never look at the garden i am in -just a single flower today- i look to the skies–

i look to the skies and say— just show me the way.

~david moonlight

Creating A Diabolical Plan June 24, 2008

Of what use is money in the hand of a fool, since he has no desire to get wisdom? ~Proverbs 17:16

I am trying to come up with some kind of diabolical plan to raise this enormous amount of money in a very short period of time. This is really scary to me. As I have already decided that staying is not an option (not to say that I won’t return to Raleigh someday), this trip to India is something that I really have to do.

As it stands right now, money is consuming my entire world. I think about it when I get up in the morning, and it’s the last thing that I think about when I go to bed at night. I pray for it to appear from nowhere (which I know is a bad thing, sorry God). I am just so worried that this will be one more thing that I fail at. I just want to leave the country for one year. After that year is over, I will decide my next move. Ideally, I would have the opportunity, and funding, to do another year (in my head, I have a two year plan). I would love the opportunity to work on the Trafficing project. But, I am having difficulty communicating this desire to those at Oasis. For now, I will be happy to assist on whatever project they need help with, in hopes that my second year (if there is one) can be directed toward the project.

No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money. ~Matthew 6:24

I am trying to figure out the maximum amount of cash to be put into some kind of savings, and still be able to have the Summer of Kerry. I really need to enjoy myself some. Working has become my entire life this year, and I hate it. I think that I can buy groceries and put gas in my car on the amount of money I make from my part-time job. It will be tight, as I don’t make that much from this job, but I think that I can make it work. This will be my experiment for July. This will be hard, as Erin and I are going to Tennessee/Asheville at the end of July.

I also, supposedly, have a raise coming up from my full-time job. We don’t know how much yet, but hopefully it will be significant enough to help with my savings plan. I have been really blessed to have friends who are so supportive in this mission. My parents are getting behind me, although my mom has finally voiced her concerns about my going to India alone to work on the Trafficing project. This is another blog topic altogether.

Once I have been accepted into the Oasis program (yeah, they have to accept you), I will receive information regarding fund-raising ideas and instruction. This is frustrating to me, as I really feel that I want to do this now. I feel like I need a giant head start, as raising money for myself is not one of my strong areas. I am not so great at chatting myself up to others.

In the meantime, I am interviewing new roommates this week. So far, I have had three responses to my add on Craig’s List. This is a good thing, as moving to a smaller apartment is out of the question. I still wouldn’t be able to put away the amount of money that I’m thinking of, and still have some kind of a life. It’s really important to me that I enjoy the next year. I want to be with friends, and see my nieces grow. I want to go to the beach and go hiking and hear some really great live music. I may even want to date (I am not sure about this one yet, as I am afraid of creating a distraction from my plan). So, yeah. Any suggestions??

I have also decided that when the new roommate moves in, that I am going to start getting rid of more stuff. The entire closet in the extra bedroom is full of stuff that I haven’t seen or used in at least a year. I think that I am going to send at least 90% of it to Ukraine. I am going to have to bribe some help with the purging again with dark chocolate and wine. (Alicia, there will be some kind of liquor for you, sister!!) I am really excited about the prospect of getting rid of stuff. I have decided that I have too much “stuff”. It’s all crap that I don’t need, and since I haven’t seen it in a year, I must not want it all that badly.

Bain Of My Existance June 23, 2008

I hate money. Elaine said that there are over 2,000 bible versus with money in them. I decided to find some of them. I am doing this because Elaine advised it. I must really love Elaine. Hate money, love Elaine.

But they need not account for the money entrusted to them, because they are acting faithfully. ~2 Kings 22:7

They have paid out the money that was in the temple of the LORD and have entrusted it to the supervisors and workers. ~2 Chronicles 34:17

who lends his money without usury and does not accept a bribe against the innocent. He who does these things will never be shaken. ~Psalm 15:5

Dishonest money dwindles away, but he who gathers money little by little makes it grow. ~Proverbs 13:11

Of what use is money in the hand of a fool, since he has no desire to get wisdom?
~Proverbs 17:16

Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless. ~Ecclesiastes 5:10

Wisdom is a shelter as money is a shelter, but the advantage of knowledge is this: that wisdom preserves the life of its possessor. ~Ecclesiastes 7:12

A feast is made for laughter, and wine makes life merry, but money is the answer for everything.~ Ecclesiastes 10:19 (I hate this one)

[ Invitation to the Thirsty ] “Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. ~Isaiah 55:1

No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.
~Matthew 6:24

These were his instructions: “Take nothing for the journey except a staff—no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. ~Mark 6:8

It could have been sold for more than a year’s wages and the money given to the poor.” And they rebuked her harshly. ~Mark 14:5

Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?” ~Luke 7:41-42

For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. ~1 Timothy 6:10

Here is the money that I owe you
So you can pay the bills
I will give you more
When I get paid again
I hate those people who love to tell you
Money is the root of all that kills
They have never been poor
They have never had the joy of a welfare christmas
~Everclear

Nervous Nellie’s New Plan June 23, 2008

My roommate dropped the news on me yesterday that she had found greener pastures, in terms of a living situation. This is so not cool. I was counting on the money that I would be saving by having her live with me to put away toward my trip. This is especially annoying because I signed an additional year’s lease on the contingency that she would stay with me. Otherwise, I would have found a cheaper place to live.

I feel like I have taken one step forward, and two steps back.

On the other hand… this may be an opportunity to leave six months earlier than I had originally planned. However, by not being able to save money, this will be difficult. My original plan was to save between $1,000 and $1,500, just to have on-hand to leave the country with. As my living expenses will come from donations given in my name to OasisUK, I would have this money to buy my plane tickets with, and hopefully do some traveling using the CouchSurfing website.

So… do I set a new goal of leaving in April? Or, do I suck it up and try to make it through the summer and leave in September as originally planned? Money is an issue. I am completely freaking out over the money thing. If I decide that I want to leave for the April session in London, I have to have my application and money to Oasis by December of this year. Luckily, I found out that the money that it costs me to join the program pays for flights, visas, work travel, accommodations, food, insurance, work resources, retreat/holiday, and administration costs. However, this will cost approximately $11,570.00 (American). This is enough to make me vomit.
I was worried about raising $1,500… so, now I have to worry about raising $11,000.
No pressure.

Sun-Scorched Land June 22, 2008

I have been kind of lost in myself lately. Saying the wrong things. Acting kind of ridiculous. Thinking that perhaps I should not be around people. Having some bouts of anxiety. Feeling a little sad. I need to keep focus.

The Lord will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame.

You will be like a well-watered garden,

Like a spring whose waters never fail.

Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins

and will raise up the age-old foundations;

you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,

Restorer of Streets with Dwellings

~Isaiah 58:11-12

I am trying to remember that I am on a mission. I am following my destiny for the first time on my entire life. I am doing what I think that God wants me to do. This is really hard.

The Spirit of the Lord is on me,

because he has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners

and recovery of sight for the blind,

to release the oppressed,

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.

~Luke 4:18

I am making progress on my research. I have been offered several programs to be involved with. One of these offers two five month stints, each in two countries. My other option is to do a year stint in one country. I think that I am going to do a year in India… then, if the opportunity is still available, do five months in Bangladesh, and another five months in a third country. I know that I want to do at least one year in India. I really think that God wants me there. All of the arrows point in that direction. This is exciting.

I finally received my book/CD program for learning Hindi. So, I am working on that too.

Side note: The annual Ukraine trip is coming up. I received an email from Kristi, asking for support. I will be offering prayer and mental support. I am also making an effort to send over some gifts for the folks of MTU. I wish that I was making the trip with her.

I’m A Big Jerk June 19, 2008

Have you ever said something that you meant in the best way, but then about 8 seconds after you say it you realize that the filter that connects your brain to your mouth has malfunctioned? Yeah. This is my life.

A friend, who underestimates how much she is adored, has made mention of some concerns recently. Of course, her concerns are my concerns. This is the bain of my existence… nobody suffers alone. Basically, I have made a little file in my head with this friend’s name on it (as I find that I do with a lot of people) and tucked away all of the things said that there would be little to no concern about. Hence, a large concern came to surface. I brought something up that was absolutely none of my business. To make it worse, I brought it up in the lovely, abrupt way that I do things. After what I said came out of my mouth, I was so appalled by my words that I think that my brain actually shut down. I can’t remember what the response was to what I had said. So, the next day… I am beating myself up over something that may or may not have been misconstrewed and made worse than it was originally intended to be.

I feel like a crappy friend. All I can do now is ask for this person’s forgiveness, and hope that she realizes what a jackass her friend is… and that no harm was intended.

I tried to find some kind of bible verse about being a crappy friend… but I couldn’t find one in the method that I use to search the Bible. All of the verses that I found on ‘forgiveness’ have to do with blood. So, I decided to pick a completely random verse that has absolutely nothing to do with this situation at all… just for effect.

Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.~Leviticus 19:18

Okay, so it has a little to do with the situation.

Can you forgive me again?

I don’t know what I said

But I didn’t mean to hurt you

I heard the words come out

I felt that I would die

It hurt so much to hurt you

Then you look at me

You’re not shouting anymore

You’re silently broken

I’d give anything now

to kill those words for you

~Evanescence

Please forgive me friend… I meant no harm. I love you.

It’s Raining Squirrels June 18, 2008

I always joke about there being suicidal squirrels at my apartment community. Since it doesn’t matter how fast you are driving, they have a tendency to just sit in the road and wait for you to get really close with your car… like a game of “chicken”… but with squirrels.

I just want to start by saying that I am not making this up… this actually happened. I woke up and took Chloe for an early walk. While we were walking through our parking lot, I heard a thump. When I turned around to see what it was, I saw a squirrel running up a tree (not a huge tree, it was one of the ones in front of the apartment buildings where I live). Now, I was tired, so I wasn’t sure of what I was seeing the FIRST time. I saw a squirrel fall out of a tree and thump right onto the ground. He then got up and ran back up the tree. (I swear to God that I am not making this up!!) There was some squirrel commotion in the tree and then two squirrels fell out of the tree, and it looked like they were holding hands. They ran back up and both of them fell out again. More squirrel commotion, and then one squirrel thumped back onto the ground. Then the show was over. This happened in what I believe was about a 30 second period of time. You haven’t laughed your ass off until you see squirrels throwing themselves out of trees and thumping their bodies onto the ground and then running back up the tree to do it again. Was this an attempt at a squirrel suicide pact?? I am not sure and I don’t know if anyone has ever seen a squirrel do this before, but it was a first for me.

It was by-far one of the strangest things that I have ever seen.