Clarification of Beauty August 26, 2008

A friend who regularly reads my blog asked me about the beauty I witnessed at the home of the SEA. So, I want to clarify something. It wasn’t the SEA that I was enthralled with (although hanging out with her for a few hours didn’t hurt in my awe)… it was the interaction that I witnessed that was amazing. This is not the first time that I have seen this.

A few weeks ago, I was at dinner at a friend’s house, when her son came running inside and yelled, “Mom, I found a fungus!!” My friend immediately got up from the dinner table and went outside with her son to find some kind of mushroom stuck to a tree. Mushrooms and fungi are a huge deal in this house. This was amazing to me. This was beautiful. My best friend had her daughter last year, 11 days after my niece was born. Watching Bon with Sophie is the most amazing thing ever. Bon and I have been friends since we were 13 years old. She was meant to be a mom. I love to watch her watch her daughter. It’s so beautiful.

A year ago, I was planning a family. I thought that I wanted the whole package… husband, kids, house in the country. I wanted to be a mom so badly that it was actually painful. When my relationship fell apart (and this is a good thing, so I am not complaining about this), I had a decision to make. Did I get back on the horse and start to date and try to find a husband, or do I move on with my life in a direction that would REALLY mean something? I have given up on dating. I don’t want to date. I have no desire to date at all. (I am not ruling out meeting someone spectacular in the future, even potentially before I leave next year, but it’s very much on the back burner.)

The beauty that I am seeing in everyone around me, especially in the growing families at Evergreen is motherhood. I feel like a part of me is giving up on this… or trying to talk myself out of this. For the past year I’ve felt like I did something wrong and wasn’t worthy of a family. One friend accused me of being angry with her during her pregnancy. This of course is ridiculous and we confronted each other about it. All is well now.

I am thrilled with the decision that I have made. I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. Nobody can convince me otherwise. BUT, there is a part of me that wonders if I am giving up something really amazing.

Facebook August 25, 2008

Okay, I gave up the Facebook.

Since I spent about an hour of my workday doing it today, I figure that you guys were right… TIME SUCKAGE!!

Abandonment of Stuff August 25, 2008

I am proud to say that I have gotten rid of the first of my stuff. Evergreen friends have taken in a foreign exchange student from Brazil. This boy needed a bed and a dresser, and now he has one.

I don’t think you realize how much you have until you are trying to make it all go away. I have joked for years about wanting to move and take nothing, just live on very little and accrue new things as they are needed. I discovered that I own things that I haven’t seen in years. Socks with no mates. Thirty-seven pairs of underwear… who needs that much underwear?? It’s ridiculous!!

There are things that I have that have already been promised to folks. I am feeling a sense of relief, and also a little sadness. I realize that I am emotionally attached to things. I hate this. I hate realizing that a THING can bring out emotion for me. I had friends over the other evening, and someone asked if I was going to get rid of every single thing. I confess that there are things that will be traveling to India with me… a few pictures of close friends and family (especially my nieces), a fancy cutting board from Erin, a journal my brother bought for me, an old card from Elaine that I just love the front of. These things remind me that I am loved. They will remind me of what I have left behind… and of what I have to come home to.

I’m reminded daily that life has been good to me. I have all of the crap to prove it. Furniture and appliances bought by my parents, because they didn’t want me living with nothing. A bed purchased by my ex-boyfriend, because the old one wasn’t big enough for us. Evergreeners showing up with things to help with the Ukraine trailer collecting project. I have become comfortable. I have ceased to live simply, as I had set out to do so long ago.

My idea, was and always has been, that I would not have, own, use, or accrue more than I need at that moment. I’m ashamed that I left this frame of mind behind years ago. I have not purchased a house, so I have stuck to my guns on this one. Admittedly, I did think of buying a house earlier this year. I quickly abandoned that idea. My ideals of leading a non-fancy life goes deeper than money (my arch enemy). I simply don’t see the point in having lots of things. They are just things. It’s all stuff.

And so it is, I have 33 daysto get rid of everything that I own. I am moving to the commune with necessities only… clothing (only things that I ACTUALLY wear), toiletries, a bed, my pets, a few sheets and towels, and my car (an evil necessity to get around Raleigh). In 33 days, there will be a massive yard sale at the home of my knitting buddy with the remains of a life that I will leave behind. My entire life will be on the lawn of a friend’s home and up for grabs. This is an insane reality. I’m scared, excited, anxious, nauseous, tearful, thrilled. I’m a roller coaster of emotion.

The Most Beautiful Thing I Have Ever Seen August 25, 2008

Yesterday, I was thankfully invited to the home of new friend, The SEA. I got to see their (SEA and husband’s) georgeous home in the country, some beautiful kids, and chickens. I was welcomed with hugs, which is always a good thing.

At the end of the day, putting three kids to bed was a process… but so interesting to watch. There were legos being put away, and stuffed animals being assigned to beds, and kids being put into pajamas, and trickery into tooth brushing. It was the most spectacular example of organized chaos that I have ever seen.

When all was to be calm, the SEA read to her children from a Harry Potterbook. Erin sang some songs. All were paying attention… then it happened. The SEA, sang along with Erin, to the songs that were familiar to us both. She looked so lovingly at her kids, as if she were completely in love with them. I watched her do this for about 15 minutes. She would lay in bed with her youngest, stroking his hair. She held her daughter, who was so antsy because of the music. Her oldest wanted to be up and down, and was doing whatever possible to grab attention. The SEA handled all of this with grace and beauty. At one point, she was on her knees at her daughter’s bedside, just inches from where I sat on the floor, and just looked in her eyes and sang to her, stroking her hair and arms… doing whatever was possible to get the girl to be still. This was a challenge, considering that the daughter of the SEA was insistent on playing the air guitar with Erin.

I have seen women love their children… I have seen the looks in their eyes when having conversations with them. I have never seen anything like I saw last night. I have been to the mountains, the desert, the ocean, and Ukraine. I have seen people in love with each other. I have watched my friends have babies, so many times over the past few years. I have never seen anything more beautiful than the interaction that I saw last night between the SEA and her children. I was brought to tears watching this (admittedly, this is not a challenge these days).

Thanks for the invite… I hope to do it again soon. Take the compliment and run with it. I still think you’re a hardcore badass… and we are going to kick the crap out of the slow-a-thon.

Delusions of Grandeur August 22, 2008

I may be having a nervous breakdown and this is not a happy post. You have been warned.

 

Already at the end of my emotional rope, a “friend” yesterday was attempting to set me up with the friend of a friend. (I find it hilarious that anyone would want to date someone that is leaving the country in a year, but whatever floats your boat.) This guy seemingly has the “whole package”… money, an apparently ridiculously enormous house, cars (yes, plural), his own business. I despise this package. This package does NOTHING for me. I have a bad history of dating men who have money, or who revolve their lives around having money (apparently, I am too low maintenance). Money means nothing to me. I hate money (yes, I know that hate is a strong word, but I really mean it). To me, money is a necessary evil for being in the world, and that is all. Keep in mind, this attempt to set me up with this person was made by someone who has known me for several years. There was no mention of this guy’s personality, political views, or hobbies. Just money or things that money can buy, or things that money have purchased.

 

Money has taken over my entire world lately. I hate this. This is NOT how I want to live my life, and I have worked very hard to be sure that I don’t end up this money-grubbing person who is miserable all of the time.

 

Yesterday, it was decided that I would make my move to the Lob-jo commune at the end of September/beginning of October to get out of an additional month’s rent. In this, I have decided to start putting everything I own up for sale. Basically, there will be a very large yardsale in my near future. So, if you have ever been to my place and saw something that you want, come and get it. I don’t remember the last time that I was as nervous as I have been in the past week.

I seem to be in this three steps forward/two steps backward vortex these days. I feel like I am walking in circles, and I am constantly nervous. I cry at the drop of a hat, I worry constantly. I don’t do this well.

 

I have put the word out that I am trying to sell my belongings… furniture, kitchen stuff, washer/dryer, etc. This scares me. I have worked really hard for the past few years to “get it together”, whatever this means. (Living like an adult, rather than the kid that seems to be trapped in my head?)

 

I am currently living vicariously through my friend Erin’s attempt to be ‘hardcore’. I used to be hardcore. REALLY!! I did all kinds of things hardcorely. I jumped off bridges into rivers, bungee jumped at Virginia Beach, moved across country with whatever fit into my car having no idea of where I was going, dated a guy with money, shaved part of my head and dyed the other part pink (or maybe it was purple), I have walked around NYC at 3am with friends after leaving a random bar where a great band was playing. What has happened to me?? I have become this old person who is comfortable being in pajamas at 6pm, perfectly content to watch Simpson’s reruns and knit with a cup of tea. I think that I have become old.

 

I’m tired of being nervous, depressed, crying, and worrying. I need a vacation.

 

I am full of hesitations
My heart is fragile in my hands
I expect you would have known it
Because I’ve thrown it to the wind
My voice shakes and has inflection
I am hanging on your tone
To see if your affections are as my own. ~Erin Brown

 

 

 

Anxiety August 21, 2008

Okay, I have come to the point in my planning where I have to start getting rid of stuff. This scares me.

So, if anyone knows of anyone who wants to buy my living room, bedroom or any other room in my apartment, please let me know.

Also, my pets need good homes. I am starting to worry about them. I was looking at my dog this morning and I started to cry.

Comments August 21, 2008

I have no idea of how to turn off the “off comments” feature here… so, if anyone knows how to do this, please send me an email. It’s starting to annoy me.

Freedom August 21, 2008

I started reading Nobodies by John Bowe last night. I have barely gotten through the introduction, and I am completely hooked. Let’s review the history of America for a moment, shall we?

You have to love a country that prides itself on being the “land of the free”. Freedom, being such an important attribute to being an American, is a word of hypocracy.

free·dom: the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint

American History 101(Kerry’s cliff notes version)… The English migrated to America, where they were welcomed by Native Americans. They all had dinner (Thanksgiving–more or less) together, giving thanks to God for delivering them with minimal expense to health and wellness. We repayed the grace of Native Americans by pillaging their villages, killing their people, and driving them into northern America, where the tribes have mostly died out because they had been so limited in space because we decided to steal their land and claim it as our own and because we apparently didn’t find much use in their lives in general. What tribes are left are full of poverty and substance abuse. Once we were done corrupting the native people of this land, we decided to bring folks over from Africa (you know, because enough damage hadn’t been done to humanity yet), all because we didn’t want to clean our own kitchens, cook our own food, or raise our own children. The more slaves you had, the wealthier you were. This was society. This was acceptable. This went on for hundreds of years before some guy named Abraham Lincoln came along and was elected president and helped to establish the 13th Amendment.

Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction. ~13th Amendment of the Constitution (04/08/1864)

And people don’t understand my lack of patriotism.

(If any of this is incorrect, I would like to plea the 5th Amendment.)

Human Trafficing Project August 20, 2008

Please check out this blog that is dedicated entirely to Human Trafficing.

http://traffickingproject.blogspot.com/

Specifically, please watch the attached video from Music and Slavery.

http://traffickingproject.blogspot.com/2008/07/music-slavery.html

Knitting for World Peace August 20, 2008

My knitting buddy/knitting mentor, Heather, is bound and determined that I will bring peace to the world through knitting. Her thoughts are that since she has to stay, and I get to go, that her contribution to my trip is teaching me everything that can be taught about knitting and crochet. Heather’s vision is that during counseling of trafficking victims that I can introduce them to the peaceful mindset that she and I experience in knitting.

I see myself with two suitcases: one full of clothing, the other full of knitting supplies.

Ahh… peace through knitting. If only the world were so simple.