Without or With?? September 30, 2008

I packed up the last of the crap and loaded it into Lance’s truck.

I took nine giant garbage bags to the trash compactor. Most of the contents of these bags were not necessarily trash, but stuff that I just didn’t want to deal with anymore.

I handed in my keys and made idle conversation with the community manager, which took much longer than it should have.

I’m out of there. I am officially done with the apartment.

It’s official. I am without, but I feel like I have so much more than nothing. I feel like I’m taking away so much more than I actually did.

Life is good.

Being Christian-ish September 29, 2008

Yesterday I took a huge leap with my faith and was baptized by my good friends Alicia and Elaine, surrounded by my spiritual family. I hate (like actually hate) the term ‘Christian’. I don’t want to be labeled in this way (I actually refuse to be labeled in this way and will not claim to be a Christian), because my spiritual beliefs don’t actually fit into this box. Once again, this is the beauty of Evergreen. I can say these things and not be completely ostracized by my faith community.

I got to talking to my mom last week and I had to explain to her my beliefs. Example: I don’t believe in the Trinity. I don’t believe in Heaven or Hell, as I think that we live in (by creating) our own Heaven or Hell here on Earth. I don’t believe that Jesus and God are the same being. This is where she asked me why I was being baptized… this is a long story that I really don’t want to get into on blog because it’s emotional to me. But I will be happy to discuss it with anyone.

I believe that God has me living the life that He wants me to live right now, and all of the shit that I have been going through for the past thirty years has lead me to this moment. All of the friendships that have come and gone have lead me to the strong friendships/relationships that I have today.

So, thanks friends for being there to support my faith… even if it doesn’t mesh with your own.

Yard Sale September 28, 2008

5am start time.                                             

Unexpected turnout.

Help from folks I never expected.     

Donations for my cause.

It was a good day for a yard sale. We sold, proportionally, a little more than half of what was there. I made a few hundred dollars, not including the unexpected donations from friends toward my cause.

It was a good, long, exhausting day.

Unfortunately, I had to miss the Prayer Walk for Trafficking Awareness this afternoon. There was just no way to make it all work on the same day. I hope that Jubilee had a great turnout.

Money Woes September 25, 2008

Oh, the money woes.

I remember when I would wake up thinking about money. I thought about money while making coffee, eating breakfast, showering, walking the dog, knitting, shopping, banking, breathing, eathing, sleeping, and every other second of every day. While talking to Big Time last night about fund-raising, it occured to me that I haven’t worried about my funding in a while.

This is a good thing.

It makes me smile to realize that I have a fair shot at raising a good amount of funds for England, Ireland, and India by myself. My goal is to raise one quarter of the money that I need by myself. I know that this goes against everything that I am supposed to be doing, as the purpose of the fund-raising is to have support from home. But I think that it’s a self-satisfactory thing to try. I also have friends who are fund-raising for various projects right now, and it would make me feel really good to be able to support them.

We will have to see how this all pans out.

I am about to miss the deadline of my goal of getting my Oasis application in by October 1st. It’s not due until April, but I wanted to do it early. However, with moving and yardsales and traveling and adjusting to communal life, this has proven to be difficult. My over-committed period is almost over and all will calm down soon.

The Ultimate in Flattery September 25, 2008

I recently had a friend of mine ask me if I had a crush on them. My response was ‘yes’. I believe that this made them uncomfortable, since a romantic interlude was not an option. I had to explain that romance was not the direction of my crush.

I have a deep-seated appreciation for my friends. I pretty sure that I have had crushes on most of my friends at one time or another. Let’s face it, I have awesome friggin’ friends. I also think that I am one of those people who finds some kind of something beautiful in almost anyone. Example, every time a close friend of mine laughs really hard, I just want to hug her. One friend has the most beautiful lips that I have ever seen. One friend makes me laugh harder than anyone else, and I know that I can talk to them for less than three minutes and my mood will be lifted. Another friend has such a close relationship with her kids that it literally boggles the mind of how beautiful she is when she looks at them.

After explaining this to my good friend, I think that they felt a little better about where I was coming from and decided that my friend crushes were the ultimate in flattery.

Raleigh Trafficking Awareness September 24, 2008

To support the local Human Trafficking iniatitive, please read about the Jubilee Prayer Walk HERE!!!

The Freeze Project September 24, 2008

Peace… and Fear… and Love… and Doubt… September 24, 2008

Deep breath. Early morning calm. Big quiet house. Peace.

I always wondered what it would be like to live in peace. Never really expecting to find it. Who would have thought I would have it in these circumstances? The liberation is amazing, having given away nearly everything that I own. No, I’m not crazy… at least my therapist doesn’t think so. My family, on the other hand, thinks that I have gone completely off the deep end.

Define freedom: the absence of or release from ties, obligations, etc.

The ties that bind are intertwined with the things that we have left behind.

India bound. New land. New world. New culture. New life? How will I leave home behind? I’ve already fallen in love with something that I have never seen. This is somehow less scary than the thought of leaving it behind someday. Less scary than trying to pick up pieces left behind. Less scary than wondering “what if”? The “what if” list is overwhelming.

‘Cuz I suddenly feel like a different person
From the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion
And I ran my hand o’er a strange inversion
A vacancy that just did not belong
The child is gone~Fiona Apple

Sister Update September 23, 2008

Yesterday was the first time in 4 months that my sister and I have stood in the same room together. I was annoyed, angry, upset… but cordial. Actually, I wasn’t as upset as I had originally thought that I would be. Thanks to friends, I realized that I am letting this relationship with my sister control things in my life that I am just not willing to give up.

My good friend reminded me the other night that I am a really good person. Thanks, friend.  I realized that my sister has everything that she wants in her life right now, and that I should be happy for her. So, I’m going to be happy for her.

I will no longer let these relationships faze me. I can’t change someone’s personality. I can’t bend them to suit my needs. I have decided to accept my sister and father as they are. Just because I accept them, doesn’t mean that I have to throw myself at them and try to make things work that are evidently not going to.

I think that this qualifies as letting it drown in the ocean… but I’m not sure.

Food Anxiety Dreams September 23, 2008

If you hang out with Erin or I at all, I’m sure that you have heard one of us talk about food anxiety dreams. She dreams of Ben and Jerry’s, among other things… while I dream of bacon. Here is the reason for the anxiety:

vomiting- your body’s way of asking what the hell you were thinking when you ate that.

We had Chinese food for dinner last night. I figured that Chinese veggies would be safe. They were covered with some kind of sauce. I ate them anyway. Mistake.