Feeling Nothing December 29, 2008

While house-sitting this past weekend, I had the opportunity to relax in a way that I hadn’t in a while. This was nice.

With Christmas behind us, and the New Year approaching, I gave myself a very short vacation from my life.

Friday night, I hibernated in said house with Season 3 of a Showtime series that I have been following. When a friend called me that evening to see if I wanted to go out, I declined… and almost felt bad about it. (but not really)

I woke up Saturday morning to the smell of dog stuck on my nose hairs. Smelly, smelly dog. After they were fed and let outside, I crashed on the couch for a while and watched some more of my rented show while eating a bagel with cream cheese and tomato . I took a long, hot shower in a very quiet house. I played on the computer, and caught up my Facebook games of Wordscraper. A new friend invited me to dinner, before going to a party that encouraged re-gifting of crappy Christmas gifts (a great idea… though I ended up with a Chia Pet thingy). I hung out with girlfriends… laughed, drank, ate, and told stories of the holiday week.

It was a good day.

In all of this quiet and peace, I realized that I haven’t been feeling God lately. I really started thinking about this after speaking to a friend yesterday after church. I have been going “through the motions”, and not feeling anything. This is kind of abnormal for me… but then I really thought about it. It’s been a while since I have known that She’s been with me.

While progression in the direction of India is imminent, I feel that I need to feel Her presence in this process. This is frustrating, because I don’t know why I am suddenly feeling so alone in this journey.

On Surviving a Friendship December 17, 2008

A few years ago, I made a mistake. I mean, this was a monumental f*$#up. I was not the only person who made this mistake. A good friend was  simultaneously making the same mistake. The problem was that I didn’t know that she was making the mistake, but she knew that I was making the mistake… but the only reason that she knew was because someone was lying to her.

 

Are you following me??

 

Anyhow… I found out how large this mistake was today. At the same time she found out how small my part of this action was, and the apologized for the mistake. However, had neither of us been blatantly lied to, the mistake would likely not have happened.

 

You still with me??

 

During the entire time of her telling me about this enormous misunderstanding, she kept apologizing to me. It was understood at this point why our friendship took a hiatus for over a year, which is sad. In this conversation all I could think of was how much I love her. How sorry I was that she had suffered from this guilt for so long. And how much I wanted to be there for her two years ago when all of this crap was coming to surface. I felt guilty for not being there for her.

I love my friend very much. I want her to know that there is no need for apologies. I want her to know that I will always be here for her. I’m glad that we were able to put this behind both of us. We have survived, and are better people for it.

When Kids Teach You Things December 14, 2008

On Friday evenings, I meet with a small group of middle school girls for an hour a week. This week, only one showed up. Once her dad dropped her off, her childish ways evaporated. The mature kid that hides inside of this twelve year old girl came to surface.

Once her dad was out of sight, she pulled a tissue from her pocket and blew her nose. When I turned to see her in our meeting place, she was curled up on the couch crying. I sat down to see what the problem was, and she informed me that her sister’s tenth birthday was only two days away. Her sister died of cancer several months ago.

We discussed how it’s okay to continue to mourn. How her sister still knows how much she is loved and missed. The girl lay her head in my lap and continued to cry. She drew a breath and whispered, “I was so mean to her. Not after we learned that she was sick, but before that. I was so mean.”

This hit me harder than I thought it would. My sister and I don’t get along. I kept trying to think of ways that I could change this. I failed over and over again. I gave up.

I realized that this could very easily be me, or her…

All I have wanted to do before departing for India was make peace with my sister and father. My father is a lost cause, as we are simply not capable of any kind of relationship where a respectful exchange can happen. My sister and I have extremely different lifestyles… whereas, I don’t think that either of us have any concept of what it’s like to live in the other’s shoes. We don’t respect the other, although we pretend to.

In a relationship where we are so mean, I want my sister to know that I love her. I want to believe that she loves me back. Actions speak louder than words sometimes, which is sad.

Oasis Update December 12, 2008

Good news…

I received an email from the Oasis UK office this morning. They are very interested in meeting with me to discuss plans for a two year placement. This is great, as I was expecting an eighteen month placement, maximum.

They want me in London for an interview NEXT WEEK. Obviously, this can’t be done. But I am going to try to set something up for February, as well as a phone interview.

Prayers and happy thoughts please!!

Knowing What I Want and Getting It December 12, 2008

I had lunch with Evergreen’s pastor yesterday, and we talked about my future trip to India.

I guess that I should start at the beginning…

 

In July 2006, I went on a trip to Zhytomyr, Ukraine with four other women. During our ten day trip, to this beautiful city, and not so beautiful camp, God made herself apparent to me. She showed me everything that I was; everything that I never believed myself to be;  every strength and weakness that I have. (Okay, probably not EVERY, for you literal folks, but you get my drift.)

Since leaving Ukraine that first year, I have wanted to go back… so, I did in July 2007. This trip was far less satisfying. It was difficult. I had a hard time getting along with the other Americans. I felt alone. I was glad to come home. I hated this about myself.

I wanted to organize another trip to Ukriane for next summer. After speaking with Ed, I know why God keeps putting up roadblocks. Ed asked me if I remember that “Ah-ha” moment. Of course, it changed my life. This is what Ed wants the rest of Evergreen to have. Now I see.

That moment that I had… that “Ah-ha”, is what I need to have again. It’s what everyone who is persuing a relationship with God should have.

Ed and I spoke for a while longer, and I realized that Ukraine was not the answer that I am looking for. I am looking for that experience, not the location of the experience. In this, I have decided to persue a new pilgrimage. Where? I don’t know. Ed and I discussed several options. The way that we see it is the more uncomfortable the environment, the more open you may be to God. I am trying to keep an open mind. I know that this is something that needs to be done prior to my departure to India next Sepember.

 

On another note, after much praying and internal digging I have come to the realization that I don’t want to settle down. The amazing thing is that this time last year, settling down was all that I wanted. With the impending death of a two year relationship that I was sure would result in marriage and kids, I think that was something that I felt that I had to do… rather than actually wanted to do.

I want to spend my life doing humanitarian work. I don’t want to necessarily want to settle into one place. This isn’t to say that if the right situation (or person) came along to change my mind that I would completely rule it out. But for now, in my discussion with Ed, I realized that I am doing exactly what I have always dreamed of doing. I’m living with great people. I’m making amazing new friends. I am coming to terms with who I truly am. This is all okay. It’s all going to be okay.

I feel that I am on my way to freedom. This is a good thing.

Living in Abundance December 3, 2008

Everytime I turn around, lately, I am being reminded of just how much I have.

 

This morning, I was responding to a client’s email. The email stated that she needed assistance because she had left an abusive marriage with her ten year old daughter. Her ex-husband was living on the west coast and refused to make child support payments, and was claiming disability for a self-inflicted injury. This was some tactic to avoid fulfilling his fatherly obligations. My client stated that she was looking for a third job, and that there was only $47 in her checking account. With Christmas just around the corner, her landlord advised her that she and her daughter would have to move out of her duplex, because he wanted to turn the property into a single-family dwelling.

My heart went out to her, and I started wondering if I could afford to send this woman, whom I have never met before, money to give her daughter a semi-decent Christmas.

One of the reasons that I am not a ‘Christmas Season’ person is because I can’t stand to see others sweep the problems of the world under the carpet. It makes me sad to know that folks are homeless in freezing temperatures and women are having to leave abusive relationships, not always knowing where they are going to go. I think that it’s especially around this time of year that I realize just how screwed up our world is. This is the time of year that I feel the most guilty for having so much… even though, in retrospect, what I have is far less than what others have. This is the time of year that people are supposed to embrace each other, be loving to others, share. Instead, we hear about a man being trampled to death in a Wal-Mart on Black Friday and of a woman who is eight months pregnant being beaten up over some toy. This makes me sick.

I have a roof over my head, with amazing people who care about me in a great big house. I have food on my table (whenever I get around to making something), I have friends who would never let me go without, I have a reliable vehicle, I have a family that loves me (although some of them have a very very hard time showing it). I have a job and health insurance. I can get in my car and go almost anywhere I want. I live in abundance.

Economic Irony December 1, 2008

Yesterday, while having my morning coffee, I heard on the news that Americans spent $20 billion on Christmas this past weekend (post Thanksgiving). I wrote it down, and it looked like this…

$20,000,000,000.00

That is a lot of zeros!

The economy is collapsing, therefore people are traveling less, which in turn is making gas prices cheaper. YET, we are spending $20 billion on Christmas (before the real shopping even begins)? While the retail market was preparing for a decline in sales due to the economic strain of our country this year, it turns out that holiday retail sales are acutally up by 3% thus far… or approximately   $6 million.

Americans have suddenly found an additional $6 million dollars to spend on Christmas?

According to statistics, last year, $450 billion was spent on Christmas in the United States. $11.4 billion would bring a sustainable clean drinking water source to every person on the planet (thanks Alicia). See what your money can do for bringing clean water to people all over the world by clicking here.

Human trafficking is a $9 billion dollar a year industry. Donating funds to trafficking initiatives would enable supporters and volunteers to educate, house, and feed thousands of victims yearly.

The cost of feeding all of the homeless in America, three meals a day, is a mere $24 million dollars.

What useless, thoughtless gift are you planning on buying this year? Where can that money be of more use?