I had lunch with Evergreen’s pastor yesterday, and we talked about my future trip to India.
I guess that I should start at the beginning…
In July 2006, I went on a trip to Zhytomyr, Ukraine with four other women. During our ten day trip, to this beautiful city, and not so beautiful camp, God made herself apparent to me. She showed me everything that I was; everything that I never believed myself to be; every strength and weakness that I have. (Okay, probably not EVERY, for you literal folks, but you get my drift.)
Since leaving Ukraine that first year, I have wanted to go back… so, I did in July 2007. This trip was far less satisfying. It was difficult. I had a hard time getting along with the other Americans. I felt alone. I was glad to come home. I hated this about myself.
I wanted to organize another trip to Ukriane for next summer. After speaking with Ed, I know why God keeps putting up roadblocks. Ed asked me if I remember that “Ah-ha” moment. Of course, it changed my life. 
This is what Ed wants the rest of Evergreen to have. Now I see.
That moment that I had… that “Ah-ha”, is what I need to have again. It’s what everyone who is persuing a relationship with God should have.
Ed and I spoke for a while longer, and I realized that Ukraine was not the answer that I am looking for. I am looking for that experience, not the location of the experience. In this, I have decided to persue a new pilgrimage. Where? I don’t know. Ed and I discussed several options. The way that we see it is the more uncomfortable the environment, the more open you may be to God. I am trying to keep an open mind. I know that this is something that needs to be done prior to my departure to India next Sepember.
On another note, after much praying and internal digging I have come to the realization that I don’t want to settle down. The amazing thing is that this time last year, settling down was all that I wanted. With the impending death of a two year relationship that I was sure would result in marriage and kids, I think that was something that I felt that I had to do… rather than actually wanted to do.
I want to spend my life doing humanitarian work. I don’t want to necessarily want to settle into one place. This isn’t to say that if the right situation (or person) came along to change my mind that I would completely rule it out. But for now, in my discussion with Ed, I realized that I am doing exactly what I have always dreamed of doing. I’m living with great people. I’m making amazing new friends. I am coming to terms with who I truly am. This is all okay. It’s all going to be okay.
I feel that I am on my way to freedom. This is a good thing.
I totally get it. It’s amazing how much your goals and perception of self can change in one year. I’ve been through much the same. I wonder if I can find a partner or relationship in the next decade without settling down? Somehow I doubt it, and I’m fine with that. Eventually I may settle down, and eventually I may want a partner, but for now I am in a very similar place to you.