Figuring It Out (At Least This Part) February 9, 2009

l’arte d’arrangiarsi:  (Italian) the art of making something out of nothing.

 

I have been reading the book Eat Pray Love. I’m barely a quarter of the way through the book, and I feel like Elizabeth Gilbert is writing about my life. Her desire to travel, to absorb culture, to learn languages, to eat local foods… Gilbert is living the life that I have been too afraid to live. She’s living the life that I am starting to live. This is an amazing feeling.

The communal family came home from a week in Alaska last night. I really missed them… not just because of the craziness of what’s happened in and out of the house since they have been gone, but because they have truly become my family. I really missed Claudia… much more than I believed that I would. When I got home from work tonight, she sought me out and gave me a hug. At dinner tonight, she pulled me near her so that she could whisper in my ear. “I love you”. I melted, and whispered “I love you too” and kissed her head. The melting continues two hours later. I’ve lived with this kid for six months, and finally feel like I have a bond with her. She begged me to play Wii with her… and I kicked her little ass (but not intentionally). We had fun and did victory dances and bumped hips. It was a good time.

Claudia make me really think about my future sometimes. Two years ago, I believed that I was going to marry and have children with the man that I was in love with. I was living in a dream world. I go back and forth. Did I really want children? Or did I want the security of having this family?

Today, I read these words that Gilbert printed:

I still can’t say whether I will ever want children. I was so astonished to find that I did not want them at thrity; the remembrance of that surprise cautions me against placing any bets on how I will feel at forty. I can only say how I feel right now–grateful to be on my own. I also know that I wont go forth and have children just in case I might regret missing it later in life; I don’t think this is a strong enough motivation to bring more babies onto the earth… Not all the reasons to have children are the same, and not all of them are necessarily unselfish. Not all the reasons not to have children are the same, either, though. Nor all the reasons necessarily selfish.

After reading this today, I realized that I have made a good decision. I realized that I am not the only person who has wondered about this decision. My mother thinks that this is a sudden decision. She has reminded me (several times) that I am not getting any younger. But she “knows women in their forties who have babies all the time”. (Thanks, Mom.) This is not to say that I won’t want to adopt later down the road, or even meet the right person and want to start a family. Right now is not a good time. For me, it’s the absolute wrong time. Wrong time for kids. Wrong time for relationships. Wrong time for distractions.

In all of this planning, purging, reorganizing, thinking, crying, mourning, excitement, and fear, I have made one decision. This work that I’m getting ready to do… I feel more confident in making the decision to do this than I have ever felt in anything else ever in my life.

 

THIS IS RIGHT.

 

I had something. It didn’t work out. I had nothing. I’m making stuff happen. It feels good.

The Interview February 5, 2009

At 8 a.m. this morning, I sat on the couch in the living room of the commune. My attire? Superman pajama pants and my comfy Evergreen T-shirt. I was equipped with my notebook, a pen, and a cup of coffee in one of the new huge mugs that Na (Beth’s mom) had recently purchased.

 

My cell phone rang at 8:06. Madelaine and Nikki had me on speaker phone, while they sat in the Oasis London office… and my interview began. Everything that I had been dreaming about, losing sleep over, worrying myself to death about… it was all coming down to this phone call.

 

I feel like it all went really well. Later this morning, while I was at work, I received an email from Madelaine saying that they were happy to have spoken with me. They had a position in mind for me. However, since they spoke to me, and learned of my passion for children, they may have another position or two in mind. They asked me to review the original position that they had thought of.

 

I was happy that they no longer wanted me to do this position. It was mostly administrative… not much different from what I do here in the States. I would be assembling a database of missing women and children, working closely with police in Mumbai and/or Bangalore. Not what I had in mind when I signed up for this thing in my head.

 

Admittedly, God and I have been at odds lately. I felt like She was abandoning me. I felt like She was taking a break from me, which honestly didn’t bother me. Every relationship needs a break once in a while. Lately, when I would talk about Oasis, and of my desires to travel to India, I have found that I think more and more about children. Would I be abandoning my original position of being a hardcore advocate for justice of trafficking victims? Or, would I be doing more of what God had originally planned for me, by working with kids… something that I have always been good at?

My major problem with the world is a problem of scarcity in the midst of plenty… of people starving while there are unused resources… people having skills which are not being used. ~Milton Friedman

Now, I’m back to waiting again.
I am so excited about what is to come in the next six months.

Phone Interview February 3, 2009

Good news on the Oasis stuff.

I received an email this morning saying that the Oasis staff wants to set up a phone interview with me for this Thursday morning. So, I will need to take the morning off to do this… Yeah, I’m okay with this.

Prayers and happy thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks to all for the constant support.

Loss February 1, 2009

I think that I have become selfish… maybe too selfish? I’m not entirely sure.

 

Today I lost something really important to me. I don’t really know how to deal with this… So, basically I have just been crying and super grumpy. I may have lost this thing because I was honest. I may have lost this thing because I became selfish. I may have lost this thing because I decided to embrace a freedom that I have been smothering for as long as I can remember.

 

For the first time, in a really long time, I’m living. I have found people that are able to relate with me and my inner quarrel. For this, I will not apologize.

 

Today, I mourn. Tomorrow, I will live again.

Two Months of Patience January 20, 2009

I’m not a patient person. I know that this may be shocking news for those of you who know and love me… okay, not so much.

My life is a waiting game right now. Waiting for Oasis. Waiting for visits from friends. Waiting to turn 35 (which I am really excited about). Waiting for the weather to agree with us so that we an leave the house. Waiting for my life to move forward.

Oasis told me approximately two months. Two months until a decision is made about my future, not that I am worried about placement. But, it’s going to be two months until I can make a move in any direction.

Then there’s the point of this venture where two months becomes a very short eight months. I’ve come to the point in this journey where I have decisions to make. I have recently made some new friends… people that I can’t imagine having to leave in eight months. I have found that I am unintentionally distancing myself from my good friends, the one’s that have been supporting and loving me for the past three years. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I don’t like it, and I don’t feel good about it. I have met someone that could really mean something to me… but have intentionally kept them at arm’s length to keep from hurting either one of us in the near future. This sucks.

I find that I am having to explain myself more and more. I find that I am doing things that are “out of character” for me. I find that I am more socially satisfied now than I have been in years. This is not to say that I have not enjoyed the people that I call family. I hope to rebuild these relationships and add to this family again and again.

Today I contacted a woman regarding pilgrimages that Evergreen is planning for 2009. She returned her email from India, stating that she is now living there and working with the schools and children in one of the cities. We exchanged several emails regarding my trip over this year. I found comfort in this, knowing that I am not the only one who is drawn to that part of the world for an obscure purpose. After these exchanges, I felt less alone in my reason.

All of this will turn into two years. Being gone. Missing my nieces grow up. They will almost be in Kindergarten when I get back. This brings tears to my eyes. Everyone keeps asking where I will go and what I will do when I return.

I don’t know.

I have two goals for my life. Go to India, and then come home and build a yurt. Other than these things, I have no plans. I’m okay with this for now. I’ve decided to not make any decisions. At least not yet.

Hillary Clinton January 16, 2009

Our soon to be Secretary Of State, Senator Hillary Clinton, had this to say
at her confirmation hearing:

As Secretary of State I view these issues (human trafficking)  as central to
our foreign policy, not as adjunct or auxiliary or in any way lesser from
all of the other issues that we have to confront. I too have followed the
stories: this is not culture, this is not custom, this is criminal… I’ve
also read closely Nick Kristof’s articles over the last many months on the
young women he’s both rescued from prostitution and met who have been
enslaved, tortured in every way: physically, emotionally, morally and I take
very seriously the function of the State Department to lead the US
Government through the Office on Human Trafficking to do all that we can to
end this modern form of slavery. We have sex slavery. We have wage slavery
and it is primarily a slavery of girls and women.

A Long Hot Soak January 11, 2009

I’ve had this terrible headache for the past 3 days. It simply won’t go away. I have tried napping, caffeine, chocolate, walking, fresh air, aspirin, ibuprofen, and Tylenol. To no avail… the headache remains.

Why the headache, you ask? Stress. Yes… I’m doing this to myself and now I am stuck with it.

I needed to clear my head. I needed a vacation from my thoughts.  So… I took a bath.

Thankfully, the commune master bath has a massive bathtub. Beth was kind enough to let me take a swim in it for a while tonight. I filled the tub with hot water and let Calgon take me away… It was the most calm that I have felt in weeks. 

There is so much going on lately…

We have a new person at work who is seemingly not able to retain any information what-s0-ever. After 5 weeks, she has literally retained nothing.

Oasis has finally received all of my application stuff. I have been informed that processing of my application and dealing with the overseas offices for placement will take approximately two months. This, of course, makes me nervous. Things are happening now. This is definitely a good thing.

I have met some really great people lately, while out doing the Raleigh MeetUp thing. I have started dating and have potentially met someone who I want to get to spend some time with. The only problem I have with this is that I don’t want to have some big, emotional relationship to worry about for the next nine months. Then worry about breaking something off later on.

I’m leaving in nine months. Nine months!! This thought just keeps going through my head over and over again. All of the things that I have been doing over the past 6 to 7 months are finally starting to pay off.

I’ve begun to realize that ‘crunch time’ is ontop of me. I have decided to put $1,000 a month into savings from here on out (something I planned on doing when I moved into the commune, but didn’t). This will put a dent in my social life… fortunately, the new friends that I have made understand that this is something that I need to do, and are willing to organize things that are cheap or free. This will be okay… and hopefully not as depressing at I anticipate.

Once I realized exactly what was on my mind (and soaked in hot water for about 45 minutes), I felt much better. My head seems to be clearing.

Deep breath. Deep breath.

Feeling Nothing December 29, 2008

While house-sitting this past weekend, I had the opportunity to relax in a way that I hadn’t in a while. This was nice.

With Christmas behind us, and the New Year approaching, I gave myself a very short vacation from my life.

Friday night, I hibernated in said house with Season 3 of a Showtime series that I have been following. When a friend called me that evening to see if I wanted to go out, I declined… and almost felt bad about it. (but not really)

I woke up Saturday morning to the smell of dog stuck on my nose hairs. Smelly, smelly dog. After they were fed and let outside, I crashed on the couch for a while and watched some more of my rented show while eating a bagel with cream cheese and tomato . I took a long, hot shower in a very quiet house. I played on the computer, and caught up my Facebook games of Wordscraper. A new friend invited me to dinner, before going to a party that encouraged re-gifting of crappy Christmas gifts (a great idea… though I ended up with a Chia Pet thingy). I hung out with girlfriends… laughed, drank, ate, and told stories of the holiday week.

It was a good day.

In all of this quiet and peace, I realized that I haven’t been feeling God lately. I really started thinking about this after speaking to a friend yesterday after church. I have been going “through the motions”, and not feeling anything. This is kind of abnormal for me… but then I really thought about it. It’s been a while since I have known that She’s been with me.

While progression in the direction of India is imminent, I feel that I need to feel Her presence in this process. This is frustrating, because I don’t know why I am suddenly feeling so alone in this journey.

On Surviving a Friendship December 17, 2008

A few years ago, I made a mistake. I mean, this was a monumental f*$#up. I was not the only person who made this mistake. A good friend was  simultaneously making the same mistake. The problem was that I didn’t know that she was making the mistake, but she knew that I was making the mistake… but the only reason that she knew was because someone was lying to her.

 

Are you following me??

 

Anyhow… I found out how large this mistake was today. At the same time she found out how small my part of this action was, and the apologized for the mistake. However, had neither of us been blatantly lied to, the mistake would likely not have happened.

 

You still with me??

 

During the entire time of her telling me about this enormous misunderstanding, she kept apologizing to me. It was understood at this point why our friendship took a hiatus for over a year, which is sad. In this conversation all I could think of was how much I love her. How sorry I was that she had suffered from this guilt for so long. And how much I wanted to be there for her two years ago when all of this crap was coming to surface. I felt guilty for not being there for her.

I love my friend very much. I want her to know that there is no need for apologies. I want her to know that I will always be here for her. I’m glad that we were able to put this behind both of us. We have survived, and are better people for it.

When Kids Teach You Things December 14, 2008

On Friday evenings, I meet with a small group of middle school girls for an hour a week. This week, only one showed up. Once her dad dropped her off, her childish ways evaporated. The mature kid that hides inside of this twelve year old girl came to surface.

Once her dad was out of sight, she pulled a tissue from her pocket and blew her nose. When I turned to see her in our meeting place, she was curled up on the couch crying. I sat down to see what the problem was, and she informed me that her sister’s tenth birthday was only two days away. Her sister died of cancer several months ago.

We discussed how it’s okay to continue to mourn. How her sister still knows how much she is loved and missed. The girl lay her head in my lap and continued to cry. She drew a breath and whispered, “I was so mean to her. Not after we learned that she was sick, but before that. I was so mean.”

This hit me harder than I thought it would. My sister and I don’t get along. I kept trying to think of ways that I could change this. I failed over and over again. I gave up.

I realized that this could very easily be me, or her…

All I have wanted to do before departing for India was make peace with my sister and father. My father is a lost cause, as we are simply not capable of any kind of relationship where a respectful exchange can happen. My sister and I have extremely different lifestyles… whereas, I don’t think that either of us have any concept of what it’s like to live in the other’s shoes. We don’t respect the other, although we pretend to.

In a relationship where we are so mean, I want my sister to know that I love her. I want to believe that she loves me back. Actions speak louder than words sometimes, which is sad.